Lordy, Lordy

I sometimes make myself sick over conflict with others. I just hate the feeling of disharmony between us. It is as if there were flowing currents of water between us, and suddenly the currents freeze, break off, and become sharp, pokey ice shards. I feel tender and vulnerable, and confused about what to do with the ice shards in my hands. Sometimes I feel that the shards are pointed at me, either aggressively or just defensively. Sometimes there is a part of me that wants to stab and swipe. Always I don't want to hurt or be hurt. It sets me up for quite an internal conflict.

I have a difference of opinion with a close friend about a way that she is dealing with her life. She has a serious problem. She is working on some of the internal and external factors that contribute to this problem in her life, while working to stay in touch with joy and peace. Who could argue with that? But the thing is, the problem is not shifting, and it needs to shift – in my opinion, and in hers – in order for her to step into her wholeness and her full power.

I realize that I have understood my commitment of friendship to be both supportive of my friend, and to challenge her when I think she may be "off the mark" so that she can consider a different solution. I know we have that commitment to each other. But there is a vast, luminous space between the place of emotional support and the place of loving challenge. Sometimes a person needs the support more, sometimes the challenge more. In my experience, when I most needed the challenge, I fought most strenuously against it.

So - I believe I see something clearly that my friend is too involved with the problem to see. Yet, when I try to talk with her about it, she doesn't want to go there, she wants to stay in the feelings of joy which help her stay grounded and regulate her feelings of fear. (This is a great strength of hers. I know many folks who stay stuck in the more difficult feelings, and who continue to feed them, which then feeds the problem.) But, as is true for all of us, her strength is also her challenge.

An approach that has worked for me in facing the very, very difficult feelings is to run smack dab into the middle of them, to confront them, to take them on, to let them flow. When I have done this, I learn things about myself that I cannot learn without that contrast of intense feelings. And when I have received the learning, the intense feelings about the issue leave, for good, while my core being – my power and wholeness - expands. I do not turn away from the feelings. I do not try to shift them or change them. I let them be themselves. And I watch them - to the best of my ability - as they flow on through.

I believe my friend is trying to escape from the more difficult feelings about this problem. I believe that she is afraid of the period of time in which she would be "out of balance," when joy would not feel anywhere near at hand. I can surely be wrong in believing this. And, if I am not, I can surely understand the escape. Because, in the end, there don't seem to be any guarantees in life. Everything is a risk, based on one's faith in Spirit and Earth, self and others, Love and Life.

The internal conflict is this. Do I support her as she requests or do I challenge her according to my sight? If I support when she actually needs challenge, I'm not being faithful to our friendship and our commitment to each other's growth. If I challenge her when she needs support, I am hurting her and risking our friendship.

I suffer to see her suffer; I want to help her, I want to midwife her labor, to provide her something to push against when it is time, to give her a cool cloth when the labor abates for a bit. I want to hold her and love her as she walks into the storm. But my sweet friend does not want this kind of help. And the risk of hurting her by offering unwanted help is greater than the risk of being unfaithful. I have to respect her wishes because it is, after all, her life, and her journey, and her shadow, and her choice. And because she may be absolutely right that walking into the storm is my way, but not her way.

As I write, the ice shards in my hands are melting. I am remembering Grandmother Rita's lesson from her preschool days: "When you walk among people who are not like you, don't say a word. Just watch." I am to cultivate my own practice of quiet watchfulness. I am to witness, loving her and the ways that we are different, as well as the ways we are the same. I am to help in the ways that she allows me to help. I am to remain, in this way, her faithful friend.

And I am learning, again, how important it is not to interfere – unless asked. It is surely difficult – for me – to remain close and compassionate, without interfering, when a loved one suffers. My own suffering, witnessing hers, begs me to help her so I can suffer less. And so I discover while the ice is melting – that it's my ice, not hers! "Lordy, lordy," as my own grandmother would say. That was a good one on me!"

The Simple Way

I want you all to know about the Thirteen indigenous Grandmothers, and especially Grandmother Rita. The Grandmothers come from all over the world: Alaska, Nepal, Brazil, Gabon (Africa), Arizona, South Dakota, Oregon, New Mexico, Montana, and Tibet. Thirteen grandmothers in their 70's and 80's who have been brought together by the movement of Life and the prophecies of their various traditions. Grandmother Rita is in Alaska, and of Yupik, Athabascan, and Russian descent. She is proud of her diverse heritage.

The grandmothers teach simply about reciprocity, respect, caring for the earth, peace, social justice, and honoring the water. The Shift Network is hosting a long-distance learning opportunity with them in which I am participating. Each week for six weeks one or two or three of the grandmothers teach a group of over 500 people, from all over the world, via phone. Although many of the grandmothers have cell phones just like I do, sometimes the grandmother has to walk to a "station" in order to make the international call, having no phone of her own. Sometimes, as in the case of Grandmother Rita, someone in the family is coming home for dinner while she is talking on the family phone, and the dog starts barking a greeting for the world to hear. They are homey lessons.

One of the participants asked Grandmother Rita how to help others understand the importance of being harmonious with each other, how to stop fighting and creating so much discord, how to understand the world, basically, the way she understands the world. Grandmother Rita told a story. When she was three years old her mother took her to a Montessori school in Seattle. It was the first time she had ever been away from her village. She was scared. Her mother told her that when she walked among people who were not like her, to say nothing. Just watch, and try to understand.

When asked whether we should get involved in politics, or not, to effect change in the world Grandmother Rita said simply that she did not know. And then she sang The Magic Penny, a song written in the 1950's by Malvina Reynolds:

Love is something if you give it away,

Give it away, give it away

Love is something if you give it away

You end up having more.

It's just like a magic penny

Hold it tight and you won't have any.

Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many

They'll roll all over the floor!

Grandmother Rita is a tribal doctor, a healer, and here's another thing Grandmother Rita teaches. This one really speaks to me, given my history with physical illness. She says – and oh, how I know the truth of this!—that unattended emotions become physical, and that the unattended physical becomes emotional. Healing is about peeling, she says, peeling away the layers of emotions that have become densified as physical illness. But she follows that with saying that the secret is that she doesn't know anything. She doesn't know what she does to help you heal. She's just your friend.

They are simple and profound teachings with the power to change the world – to keep your voice quiet and try to understand when you do not know the ways of those you walk among. To give and so receive. To peel away that which is no longer needed. To walk humbly. To be a friend. They sound very like the simple teachings of a carpenter I know.

The Voice agrees.

 

To find out more about the Thirteen Indigenous Grandmothers, go to http://www.grandmotherscouncil.org/.

It Depends on All of Us

This is a revision to the previous blog post, "It Depends on Us." As I thought about what I had written, I realized that some of my perceptual filters had been in place, and that the piece reflected that. I've tried to remove them a bit more for this revision.~

There is a lot of turmoil since the Wisconsin anti-labor bill was passed. The Republicans were able to vote on it, even without the absent Democrats, because they stripped the bill of financial provisions – thus allowing them to vote without a quorum. There is a lot of grief, anger, and anguish among the people I know. Some are calling it a class war, with the Republicans on one side and the Democrats on the other.

Instead, I am focusing on what I believe to be true:

1. That nearly everyone – including Republican and Democrat legislators and governors – want Americans to live full and healthy lives, with happy children, access to healthful nutrition and good education, and adequate medical care. We just differ on how to make that happen.
   
2. That we are polarizing our discussion about the ways we are different. I'm sorry to say that some of those who are feeding that division are people I have personally admired.
   
3. That it is possible to speak clearly, and strongly, without blaming or attacking others, and without backing down.
   
4. That all of us regular working folks, regardless of our political affiliations, have more in common than not. And that we have more power together than we have apart.
   
5. That there really are some who are greedy and manipulative. They tend to have a lot of power, so it will take all of us working together – and it will cost us something – to oppose them.
   
6. That every human being, including those who are greedy and manipulative, have a spark of the Divine in them, and that this spark has the potential to transform greed.
   
7. That speaking to that spark, without anger or violence, in the way that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. did, will do more to transform our economy and our country than any amount of political discourse, angry discourse, or name calling.
   
8. That the oppression and greed of a few simply cannot stand up against the power of millions.
   
9. That we will receive what we envision. If we envision battle and fighting and anger and fear, that is what we will get. If we envision strength, courage, and victory, that is what we will get.
   
10. That it is up to us and no one else to transform the economy so that the children are cared for. So the old people are cared for. So we are all making a living wage. So we know our pensions and our savings accounts are safe. So we are able to buy and keep our homes, and live in them. So we have the means to grow or purchase healthy food to eat, to see health practitioners if we are sick. And so we know that our freedom to get these things is protected, so we don't have to live in fear, without choices, like indentured servants.
    

I believe these things because I have experienced them. I know the power of the spark within that can lead my tongue in ways that help, and don't harm. That can turn the darkness in my soul toward the Light. That can open my heart to compassion when I am only feeling judgment and hatred.

If that can happen within me, it can happen within the hearts of those who are getting richer, while the majority of workers are getting poorer. And if it doesn't, then they will have to face millions of nonviolent, determined voters who will not allow themselves to become their poorly paid servants.

So – any who know the tools of nonviolent campaign, we need you now. Any who know how to listen deeply to your neighbors and coworkers, even when they disagree with you, we need you now. Let us not comfort ourselves by numbing with our televisions and newspapers. Nor let us feed the seeds of anger and hatred that are so ready to sprout among us. Let us pray, sing, gather, and be confident in our power to effect change on behalf of the future generations. It really does depend on all of us -- and no one else.

It Depends on Us

There is a lot of turmoil today since the Wisconsin anti-labor bill was passed. They were able to vote on it, even without the absent Democrats, because the Republicans stripped the bill of financial provisions—thus allowing them to vote without a quorum. There is a lot of grief, anger, and disbelief among the people I know. I am avoiding the paper and the online web reports because I just don't want my spirit to deflate.

Instead, I am focusing on what I believe to be true:

1. That nearly everyone – even the Republican politicians – want Americans to live full and healthy lives, with happy children, access to healthful nutrition and good education, and adequate medical care. We just differ on how to make that happen.
   
2. That we are polarizing our discussion about the ways we are different. Some of those I admire, like Michael Moore, feed that division.
   
3. That it is possible to speak clearly, and strongly, without blaming or attacking others, and without backing down.
   
4. That there really are some who are greedy, and there are some who are manipulative. They tend to have a lot of power, so it will cost us something to oppose them.
   
5. That every human being, including those who are greedy and manipulative, have a spark of the Divine in them that has the potential to transform greed.
   
6. That speaking to that spark in the way that Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. did, will do more to transform our economy and our country than any amount of political discourse, angry discourse, or name calling.
   
7. That we have more power together than we have alone.
   
8. That the oppression and greed of a few simply cannot stand up against the power of millions.
   
9. That we will receive what we envision. If we envision battle and fighting and anger and fear, that is what we will get. If we envision strength, courage, and victory, that is what we will get.
   
10. That it is up to us and no one else to transform the economy so that the children are cared for. So the old people are cared for. So we are all making a living wage. So we know our savings accounts are safe. So we are able to buy and keep our homes, and live in them. So we have the means to grow or purchase healthy food to eat, to see health practitioners if we are sick. And so we know that our freedom to get these things is protected, so we don't live as slaves without choices.
    

I believe these things because I have experienced them. I know the power of the spark within that can lead my tongue in ways that help, and don't harm. That can turn the darkness in my soul toward the Light. That can open my heart to compassion when I am only feeling judgment and hatred.

If that can happen within me, it can happen within the heart of Governor Scott Walker or Governor Rick Snyder. And if it doesn't, then they will have to face millions of nonviolent, determined voters who will not let this pass.

So – any who know the tools of nonviolent campaign, we need you now. Any who know how to listen and do motivational interviewing, we need you now. Let us not comfort ourselves by numbing with our televisions and newspapers. Nor let us feed the seeds of anger and hatred that are so ready to sprout among us. Let us pray, sing, gather, and be confident in our power to effect change on behalf of the future generations. It depends on us and no one else.

The Million-Piece Life and Its Imminent Demise

Yesterday I "began" my writing ministry in a conscious way. Now I am left with the road before me. And how to navigate it when I am supposed to write what is given – nothing more, nothing less.

What is given today? Sitting here in Michigan on a dull, wet, cold March day I am yearning for the spring and the sun, and this yearning for warmth and light feels also like a yearning for God. As if the winter has dried up my soul along with my skin; as if being inside under too much artificial light has diminished my capacity to see the true Light shining through grey skies and disturbing news stories.

My spiritual practices have fallen off a bit, even while my sense of being called has increased. It is as though backing off from practice might be a way to numb down a bit so I don't have to pay such close attention to the call. Gad. Winter and I have been in collusion this year to dampen down and hide away.

I can continue to bellyache, or I can start to do something differently. Immediately my mind objects – every little bit of my life is mind-mapped to a million other pieces. Move one piece and the whole thing comes tumbling down.

That's the idea, says the Voice. This life with its million pieces is not serving us well anymore.

"Who is us?" I ask.

You, me, and all the rest, says the Voice.

Well, I can't complain. This is what I wanted, to serve the Unity. And I guess it is true that nothing changes if nothing changes. If I just keep wishing for change, that's all I'll have in the end – a bunch of wishes. So – here goes. I am about to step off a cliff. I am girding up to ride into battle. I am about to push the baby out. I am about to allow Change to have its way with me. I am about to leap into the unknown, because, for all I know, moving a piece of this life may end up with someone else being disappointed in me, or getting angry with me. It might mean that I lose connection with someone or something that I have cared about. It might mean I have to live with less money and comfort. It might mean a lot of things my ego would not choose for me. I am afraid.

And then the Voice again: I will not lead you into anything except your fullness.

My fullness. Yes. I want that, very much. "But will the ride be bumpy? Will it be scary?"

Probably. You will not face it alone.

My body shivers. My heart swells. Here it is. Consent rises up. The tears come.

"OK. Which piece do I move?"

Which piece do you want to move?

Swelling heart deflates rapidly!

"I beg your pardon?! Didn't you just say you were leading me?!"

I feel indignant. Tricked. And then…..

Oh. I see. The call is to get simpler. It's up to me to follow the path of my heart's content.

I feel the physical sensation of "coming together." Yes, this is right. This is always the way it has been between us. I am led, but must also navigate. I am given the map, but it's up to me to decide the route.

So - which piece will I move today?

Spirit is Bugging Me Again

And I have finally given in, which in retrospect is always the best thing to do. I surely don't know why I put up such a fight before submitting.

I am being led to write more. I am being led to write as ministry. And not now and again, as I feel like it, or when I like the message that is forming within me. But I am to write faithfully, about all the pieces that Presence uncovers for me, even when I haven't really figured them out to my satisfaction. This writing is not to be about writing well. [Oh no, I can feel my ego reacting, my stomach tightening, and my hands going cold.] This writing is to be about vocal ministry. To say what is given, without serious editing. [Actually, I just heard that I can edit after the fact for structure, grammar, that sort of thing. But that I am to leave off any sort of editing until the piece is finished. Feet are getting cold now, too.]

I am put on alert. I have been trying to harmonize with that which I call God, have been offering my energy in service of the unity of humanity and nature. I have known for some time that all of the personal healing work I have done, and continue to do, is in service of this goal. That my own healing and the healing of the planet and her creatures, including all humanity, cannot be separated from each other. And now it is time to step up to the plate.

I thought I would be traveling, working face-to-face with Quakers. But I am being called to place more energy into this writing business. This is not what I expected.

Here is the trouble. I hate to write. When I write, I cry a lot. It is literally painful to me because it is so friggin' SLOW. I would much rather sit in Quaker worship, experience the ecstasy of God, be filled with the Presence, sit wordless with the Light, be at Peace. Or channel the Light in healing work for myself and others, toning, singing, rattling, drumming, ACTING. I want the ecstasy of feeling, the pleasure of action. A life filled with that would be my bliss.

But Spirit wants words, and that worries me. Words are solid. When I try to describe my experience in words, it feels like trying to shove tender little baby feet into high tops that are too small for them. It is hard for me, and I fear it hurts the baby feet. So I am deeply reluctant.

Still, I trust this bugging feeling. When it comes to me, this swelling in the chest, this readiness to break into tears as I think about the invitation, this quaking of the limbs, this warmth in my heart, this fearsome awe that arises within – when this feeling comes, I know it is Spirit knocking. When I have ignored that knocking, or tried to numb myself to it, I have gotten depressed and ill. I have learned over time that Spirit does not invite me into anything other than my fullness. So it is when I ignore my wholeness, or when I try to numb to it, preferring a smaller, more comfortable life, that depression and illness come.

There really is no choice but to say "yes." Because what I really want - deep down where it matters - what I really want more than anything, more than love and holding, more than being right, more than comfort and security, is this: to use my body, mind, and heart as fully as possible to help the community of the Living Presence become manifest on planet Earth. I tremble with the daring of it.

And so I begin.

Aho.